31

tomorrow is my birthday. what in the world….

this year has been such a learning for me. after 8 long years working and working and working, i felt like i was going free! i quit my job (go me!). I bought a car (why?). I sold my condo. I did a road trip across the US to a retreat. I went to costa rica. i did a fucking coding bootcamp in Portugal. for all intents an purposes, this was a WILD year. especially when compared to the previous 8 (or 12, depending on how i want to view the safety of college). this year was all about jumping off into the weird unknown, but also realizing so many of my own doubts, insecurities, and fears. i realized how HARD some of these decisions were for me because i’ve never had to make them. decisions were neatly packaged up for me, and i was able to talk them through — ad nauseam — until somebody essentially told me what to do. it was a big reason why i always had a girlfriend — i needed the validation for myself, but also somebody who would plan things for me and make my decisions for me. it’s been a pretty self-centered and boy-ish way to go about life.

this year was about realizing the power i have within myself. i’ve always been incredibly introspective, thinking through decisions in 18 different ways before making a decision… and then doubting that decision. early this year was a case study in me just making decisions and running with them. and…. lots of them were crazy and probably not responsible. i acted like a child in a lot of ways with this newfound “freedom”. and, now i’m dealing with the consequences of those. i sold my condo, so i don’t really have a “home”. i’ve been living at my parents and my cousin’s (i’m very fortunate to have those options available to me), and it’s been hard not having a home for myself. i’m learning that. i also bought a car because of the freedom it would give me. now, i’m having to deal with the shitstorm that is transferring titles and registrations between states (“united” states of america, lol). i thought the bootcamp was going to be liberating for me. i had done so much work on myself and discovered so many root causes of insecurities i’ve always known i had but never dealt with because of how it would look. i learned how shutting out a bullying incident in 8th grade had much deeper impacts with my relationships with men. especially groups of men. i thought that by recognizing that, it would suddenly fix my relationships with men. that wasn’t the case. i still found those same exact insecurities, just in a new place. i told myself going into the bootcamp that “i will fail, and that is ok! it’s ok to not be good at something — you will learn”. and then i found myself going back to the same level of intense stress i felt during college and at work. where it wasn’t worthwhile to push through the discomfort and learn something that didn’t come easy. instead, i’d solve the immediate problem at hand and move on (usually with help from others). i learned how hard it is for me to be intentional, and that this decision making paralysis affects everything. again, i had done so much work to understand my brain functions and understand the ways in which my mom shaped my intense paralysis by providing 18 different options for any situation, and going in DETAIL about how to complete the steps. it’s just how she operates. i was mad at her for a while (why can’t she just let me make the decision!). i’ve now realized more it was my enablement of it, because it was just easier to let her figure it all out than for me to have to face this paralysis and the sense that something might go wrong. Or that i might look stupid.

now, after months and months of intense growth, introspection, travel, insecurity, doubt, depression, severe anxiety, and starting a relationship with God, i have found myself… nowhere. and i think that’s the point of all of this. life has come so easy for me in so many ways. it’s not to say i didn’t work hard — i’ve worked incredibly hard when it came to school and work. but i’ve never had to be accountable for my own actions. this year, i took that on myself. i said “look at me! i can make decisions now!”. and guess what, phil? life isn’t just going to give these things to you. i look at people who work incredibly hard to apply for a job they might not get, and i think: “how are they able to put this much time and effort into something that isn’t a certainty? doesn’t that feel like a waste of time?” i’m learning the role that time plays in all of this. precious, precious time. i’ve been so unintentional about my time for so long — letting school or work dictate exactly how i spent my time. and there’s nothing wrong with spending a lot of time at school and work — those can be good! but letting them dictate how i spent my time means that i have no idea how to spend the time on my own. this year i wanted to pursue chess, spirituality, jiu jitsu, basketball, pickleball, learn to cook, meditate, go plant-based, become a developer, become a teacher, become a writer, go live in a buddhist temple for 3 months, go live in New York because it’s New York. i wanted to learn to salsa dance. the list goes on. and how many of those did i make happen? none. this is the boy in me — always wanting, never doing.

i am so afraid of making mistakes or doing something which “looks” bad. that’s become abundantly clear over the past few months. i have a hard time trusting, or even finding, my intuition. it’s blocked down under layers of deep social insecurity. i know it’s there though — i felt it earlier this year. but at the end of the day, now i’m accountable to nobody other than myself. i want to be somebody who can be trusted. right now, i barely trust myself.

i’ve put so much pressure on myself at work and school that i feel afraid to jump back into anything resembling the past 12 years. the bootcamp was a reminder of that — how easily it was for me to get pulled back into the intense stress of “project 2”. i knew project 2 at a 9-week coding bootcamp wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. but, in being surrounded by messaging that “this is your portfolio for work” and others who were feeling the intense stress of the project, i got wrapped up in the anxiety. and for me, that manifested in doing the safe thing — getting enough help to complete the task. i went in with the intention that i am going to do what i can, and if i fail that’s ok! i ended up going back to school mode and doing just enough to get the A. it was demotivating.

i think now about what the girls at the coffee shop said: finding a “soft place to land”. for a long time i’ve been feeling that if i go back into the world i came from (consulting, business, etc…), this time has been a failure. but this wishy-washy stuff needs to go. there’s a time and a place for a full re-evaluation. but i’m not going to just decide to be a teacher, a writer, a professional gamer. i need a safe place to land where i can explore these without making it my livelihood.. right now. i think about how much i enjoyed my structure growing up — having school as the “main” piece of structure, but having sports every night and every weekend, while also still having time with friends. what holds me back now is hte decision paralysis — what if i choose chess and i don’t like it? am i wasting my time? or, what is the “right” chess place to choose to learn? how do i find a place to learn? in the past, these decisions have been made for me. i was told where to go, and i didn’t question it. now as I have to make the initial decision for myself, i find how i question every single decision i make.

in reality, this all comes with experience. some people may be born with a more intrinsic sense-of-self and comfort in their own decision making. i don’t know — there’s probably science out there on this. but i believe that the vast majority of this comfort comes from actually making decisions and sticking with them. i have this intense fear of “what if i’m wrong” and what people will say. but if i’m looking from the outside, as long as i’m not hurting anyone, the reactions of others are just… reactions. they aren’t dictations.

i’ve learned a lot this year. and some of that led me to lose even more trust in myself.

32 has been my lucky number for my entire life (Ricky Watters, baby). i’ve worn it in sports my whole life. even during my OCD phase in 7th grade when i had to do everything in multiples of 3, i would feel comfortable stopping at 32.

i’m turning 31 tomorrow. 32 feels like a special age for me. i’m nervous, scared, and anxious for what’s to come. in a lot of ways, it feels like i’m a dog who’s been placed down exactly where he needs to shit. now, i need to find my own place to shit. and i’m wandering around right now like “i can shit anywhere!” and then i just sit and ask everyone for the best place to shit.

this has been the strangest year of my life (and i’m sure for many, many others). lets set myself up to make 32 the best year yet. which means i gotta get a move on at 31 😉

Related posts:

An interesting question is how does money work? It is not simple to answer because money is a difficult concept. It works differently in different contexts.

La nacionalidad es algo que te dan sin tú quererlo pero termina siendo algo sin lo que no puedes ser. Somos un dechado de contradicciones capaz de creerse cualquier cosa con tal de creerse de algún lado.

There once was a guy who was fed up with his schooling while studying for his pre-med exams. While flipping through the pages dazed, he thought, “This sucks, I want to know the good stuff like how…