This side of the pandemic hole

I struggle to recall a sense of stability beyond the beginning of the global pandemic, but now trying to dive back into memories of less despair-filled times is a jarring and painful effort that…

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Losing a Friend to Suicide

It was a Monday morning and I can remember getting up early and actually getting dressed, putting on minimal makeup, brushing my hair, and meeting a friend for coffee before school. I was wrapped up in the angst of my senior year of high school, knowing I was leaving the state and starting a new life as soon as I made it through the upcoming months. I walked on to campus that day with a standoffish mindset, but it was a better morning than most. I specifically remember retweeting “ nothing but good vibes this morning”. I made my way into my dreaded pre-calc class and shuffled my way to the seat in the front of the room. My teacher makes a twisted face and says “ I’m surprised you’re here, I heard he was your friend..” I looked at him confused but brushed it off and started scrolling through twitter again, too unbothered to ask anything more. I heard people shuffling around the room whispering about a suicide but selfishly I brushed it off. Until I saw the hashtag #ripmitchwarnock.

I swear, the world went silent. I turned around in desperation to the girl sitting behind me, “was it Mitch?” she looked at me unsure what to say. I stood up and just looked at my teacher, told him I had to go and stood in the musty high school hallway with my back against a wall desperately racking my mind for an excuse to make this not real as tears were running down my face and I was gasping for air. I was shuffled by a campus security guard into a room where we were forced to talk to a crisis counselor who just assured me that he was with God now and that he would be forgiven. He was dead. My first true friend actually hung himself from a tree, and I was going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.

For awhile, I thought I was going to die too. I thought I was going to be so sad that my body would literally just shut down and that would be the end of my being. The heartbreak was all encompassing and I could never escape it. School turned into random people coming up and offering their advice or random memory and being at home turned into laying in bed and thinking about how I could have been better and done something to save him. I really struggle to move past that aspect of the situation.

I lost myself in the the shit storm of trying to answer all the questions that never could be answered and grief. I felt like I had to apologize to everyone for still existing when he didn’t get to anymore. I was reaching an all time low, until I had a specific conversation with his mom. She told me that is was okay to feel however I was feeling. Even though I was mad at him for being selfish and leaving, even though I was ready to throw my life along with him. How could I be so selfish? As everyone around me in the community was scrambled I couldn’t hold my head up and be strong.

Coping with the loss of someone significant is going to feel like you lost a part of yourself as well. I think after my experience I was forced to accept myself in a new way. I was going to feel these powerful feelings and I had to be okay with feeling broken and wanting to die and hating Mitch for doing this to me. I had to embrace the selfish side of me. My world was forever changed and I had to adjust. And that’s okay. I realized after a tragedy you can are allowed to feel however you need to. Take the time, and feel everything. Let yourself go, and embrace the emotions. Lean on those around you and accept yourself, love yourself, and undertake this new chapter of your life.

This side of the pandemic hole

Losing a Friend to Suicide

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