This side of the pandemic hole

I don’t remember sleeping well or waking well.

I struggle to recall a sense of stability beyond the beginning of the global pandemic, but now trying to dive back into memories of less despair-filled times is a jarring and painful effort that yields little or nothing.

When COVID-19 hit I was finally making significant mental and physical recovery from a near-fatal stabbing 2 years before. My previously punctured lung and damaged shoulder sinews were beginning to operate how I remembered before I found myself lying in the street in a pool of my blood.

The fledgling business I founded with my wife was starting to show growth, I was feeling cautiously good. I felt less afraid of trying, of people, of vicious blades waiting in the dark. We were not prepared for the ravages of an illness that would shut the world down.

Our orders stopped coming and deals on the table were retracted as businesses and individuals went into panic mode. The world shrank for us and we shrank too. We ate less, used less electricity, and wanted less, while the cost of the little we could do climbed to horrific levels. Our budget became an altar where we sacrificed luxuries that were essential before. I became more desperate for freelance income. To my shame, I allowed myself to be exploited, performing mountains of work for crumbs of remuneration.

Then we got sick. My body went first, probably due to my weak lung, but you have to afford to be unwell and we had to keep a roof over our heads. So, we ploughed through it. Pushing ourselves to the limit each day through a feverish haze, but it wasn’t enough.

I could not generate enough income for anything beyond basic survival. I took charity, I made loans, and I began to lose hold of the tether I had on my mind. I sensed cosmic forces conspiring against us. They were trying to take away our home, our lives. To this day I still feel fractured. I can still feel the creeping horror of unknown entities creeping unbidden into my mind.

When the worst of the illness was over for me and the world, I was left with a less capable body and an overwhelming feeling of sadness that won’t leave. Things are still more expensive, extra income is still hard to come by, and the hours I can physically work are still diminishing.

So when I look forward I see a gaping chasm, a hole so wide that you could fit the known universe in it. On the other end are prosperity, peace, and health. On the side I cannot see is the life I still yearn for. On my path, I have been interrupted and mutilated, but I am too angry and not privileged enough to give up.

So, I won’t.

Related posts:

Before leaving the corporate world, I worked as a supply chain specialist at an American pharmaceutical company. When the firm was expecting a new product for the Japanese market, I set up its…

VINTAGE WACO 1971 DRAW POKER CORDLESS ELECTRIC FULL AUTOMATIC GAME — UNTESTED. $25.00. $4.99 shipping. or Best Offer. Vintage SLOT Machine $.25 CENT Casino poker 1984. For Parts Or Restoration. Nov…

It was a Monday morning and I can remember getting up early and actually getting dressed, putting on minimal makeup, brushing my hair, and meeting a friend for coffee before school. I was wrapped up…